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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.